As I write this, I must confess that I am over my ideal weight. I suppose I could take Garfield’s stance on the subject and say I am not overweight, just undertall.
The notion is not an entirely new one for me, that of one’s weight being somehow linked to waiting, but something hit me with some weight some months back.
I was coming clean with myself. You see, along with an abundance of good humor, joy, charm, (and modesty), I have, nonetheless, also been afraid, sad or angry at times in my life, and have, therefore, spent too much of my life waiting. Waiting to begin something, waiting to complete something, waiting for the right person to love and love me, waiting for something to go wrong, for that which I fear to come upon me, for my own good to appear, for someone to ride in on a valiant white steed and rescue me and love me unconditionally, waiting for someone to recognize my talent and guide me toward success as a best-selling author. Been there, done that? I suppose we all play a waiting game to some extent in some area of our lives.
All I know is all that waiting weighed me down. The literal weight didn’t come upon me until I was thirty-five years old. It was, I suppose, a self-fulfilling prophecy, based on my dear late mother’s Sicilian curse. (Said only slightly tongue-in-cheek.) Even as a young girl, I had a good appetite, and my mother would caution me, “You know, Camille, you won’t always be able to eat like that. One day you’ll start gaining weight, and it’s a shame because you have such a pretty face.” (Don’t you hate it when people say that?)
I find it fascinating that the words weight and wait are linked. Perhaps for some people it doesn’t express in literal poundage, but we all get weighed down in some way when we wait. And I’m not talking here about having healthy patience and resolve. I’m talking about what happens to our soul when we wait to follow our bliss, to go after the promotion, to take the risk, to do whatever it is in our heart to do. We’re masters at coming up with excuses. We tell ourselves we’re waiting until we are better prepared, or the time is right, we find a loving relationship, make the proper connection, have lost weight, have more money. Sometimes we wait with anticipation, (which is often fear disguised as hope), sometimes with conscious dread (which is bald-faced FEAR or False Evidence Appearing Real). No matter the reason, the waiting conspires to erect roadblocks to our good, add pounds to our form, and create the illusion that we are irreparably stuck.
All that w a i t i n g….postponing, procrastinating, pleading, praying, pondering, posing, parlaying….paralyzes us.
I know it has kept me in bondage, zapped my energy, and created excuses for my inertia. I grew fat on second helpings of if-onlys, chocolate-covered I can’ts, fried I should’ve dones, sugar-coated could’ve dones, and watered-down would’ve dones. Oh, I suppose nibbling from that bag of Poor Me Potato Chips didn’t help any either.
And while diets of all kinds surround us and confound us — Low fat – high carb; high fat – low carb; high protein – low fat, low carb, none of that matters nearly as much as how we nourish our souls by the choices we make every day in all areas of our lives. Every step we take, every choice we make, puts us either one step forward, one step back, or keeps us in place; and to quote Will Rogers, “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.”
Spiritually, I know I’m always on the right path, with a detour taken here and there, usually through the land of self-doubt. For so long the time would come when no matter how much good I was doing, I would give in to the fear and allow myself to feel unworthy again. Then I read what Marianne Williamson said about lacking the courage of our own greatness, and it rang a bell. She said that most of us are not afraid we are not good enough, we are afraid of our own greatness. I love that!
So, I’m going to step into my gifts, and, perhaps, while I drop the WAIT, I’ll also continue to drop WEIGHT. I have already let go of almost twenty pounds. In any event, I vow to let go of the fear and embrace my GREATNESS, even the “greatness” of my waist line for the time being, because in order to conquer it, I must love myself through it.
Here’s to dropping the WAIT…and the weight!
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